Thursday, September 30, 2010

When you are a 40 year old woman

they see you coming. They see you coming from faaaaar away.

Had my annual pap smear today (she's using a brand new plastic speculum thingy and a "new technology" swab thingy). When she realised I was almost 41, she smirked....then said "There's your referral for your annual mammogram. Once a year from now on please, once you turn 40 you have to go every year. It's preventative you see."

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

How to hug a baby

Step one - find a baby.

Step two - sniff object's butt to verify it is indeed a baby.

Step three - flatten the baby before beginning the hugging process.

Step four - slide paws around baby and prepare for closeup.

Step five - once human arrives with camera, execute the patented hug, smile, lean move to achieve maximum photo quality.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Rhino and Lion park

We took J&C to the Rhino and Lion Park situated in the Cradle of Humankind on Saturday morning. We'd heard the lions were rather large and wanted to see them up close. While I fully support what the lion park is doing by breeding rare white lions and wild dogs in captivity (and hopefully releasing them into the wild), the experience felt canned. You know, like the canned lion hunting we read about in the news (if you are sensitive to unnecessary brutality, don't watch the canned lion hunt video clip).

The Wonder Cave
You walk down 87 steps, climb into a rickety lift which takes you 60m underground.

The lift coming down from the entrance.

Praying Mary

The Mushroom which is approximately 2.5 billion years old

Big Cats :

At the entrance to the animal creche is a closed off touchy feely enclosed area where for R30 (about $5) you get to spend 5 minutes playing with a cub. The one on the ground being petted is about 8 months old. One of the main reasons we took J&C was to let C pet a lion cub. She's been talking about doing it since last September when we were at Zebula. This little one though was far too active for me to feel comfortable letting her go in. Hell I didn't even want to go in when the keepers all rushed up to pull him off a woman's foot.

Odi the leopard

One of the animal trainers told us that he gets miffed because he gets few visitors. His enclosure is way across the other side of the animal enclosures. She told us to call to him and he might be bored enough to come to the fence. After a few minutes spent calling to no avail, an ex employee (and Odi's trainer once) stopped by for a visit. Odi immediately sprang up and stalked / ran to the fence when he heard his name being called. Then he stalked the man up and down the length of the enclosure. At one point he rubbed his head up against the gate and then got pissed because the man wasn't really touching him. When he growled, something in the primal part of my brain said oh shit!

A half grown cub

At 1pm on Wednesdays, Saturdays and public holidays the lions are fed. We checked out the feeding area before going to the caves...the cow carcass from earlier in the week.

One of the two white lions walked between the vehicles circling the clearing where the pride was eating. Not something you want to come across in the wild, less than 2m from your window out of nowhere.

A cub tried to follow a female through the reeds to the watering hole just behind where all the cars were standing. Check out the blood soaked face.

The tigers
The one time I saw a tiger was at The Farm Inn a few years ago. It was hiding behind some bushes in a large enclosure and we didn't get too close. These 3 were right up against the fence. Huge beautiful monsters (I'm reading the Sookie Stackhouse books right now. I could not imagine walking amongst the wereanimals without shitting myself after seeing these 3.)

On the way out, we saw 2 rather large rhinos. This is what poachers kill for.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Why I like Defy

Most South African households at one time or another have had a Defy home appliance. Their products (the Gemini range) are mid range in price so is affordable without costing your soul (well maybe their combo gas / electric stainless steel contraption might be a devil's price, which I might be willing to contemplate paying, or sell the kids for the money :) ).

Their after service care is exceptional (Defy and their agents). As I should know. Because today, their Repair Dude came out to fix the door on my front loader. The door with the plastic handle that somehow or other I broke. Don't ask how I did it, I still don't know. Like I told Himself, I just opened the door up and something fell out, it wasn't the clothes I had just washed. R560 later my door is fixed and I can continue on my merry way washing clothes. Until it breaks again.

Repair Dude had a look at the oven too. The one whose door can't close properly. Ja he says, all we do is move this out the way, turn the door around and fix it to that side so you can use it again. It just opens from the wrong side. Oh and the knobs on the hob, those they have thousands of in stock, doesn't matter what model your hob is because one size truly does fit all.

Now I just have to wait for a quote to fix the door on the oven.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Work functions

I enjoy watching people. It's a major hobby whenever I am out and about. So at Himself's work function on Wednesday night, I had ample opportunity to people watch. Until I found someone who is English, lives in Cape Town and was super easy to talk to. They are such rare creatures in Pretoria.

Until that point, I was sort of enjoying myself. I'd had a glass of good wine and the pre dinner snacks were really tasty (By Word of Mouth - awesome caterers!). I had more in common with the wait staff than the work staff but hey, beggers can't be choosers right? Except maybe on occasions like this.

Topics of conversation amongst the women revolved around what's the latest cosmetic surgery going, what the maid at home is doing tonight (looking after my kids doll! And I didn't even have to pay her extra!), to everyday mundane things like how do you cope with the school traffic, most of which really didn't appeal to me. My wine, which had nothing to say, was more interesting.

The highlight of the night, meeting a certain famous rugby player who scored that magnificent drop kick that assured South Africa of the win in that world cup. I remember him for other reasons though. I remember him trotting out on the Newlands fields on many occasions playing for Western Province.

Himself and I staggered home at 1am, not because we'd had loads to drink. Oh no, it was more a case of when you are over 40, you should really be getting to bed at 9pm and not staying out past your bedtime. Thursday was a killer. Friday I am starting to recover.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The trust that some parents have

I could be a hideous serial killer ala Dexter Morgan. I could be the ringleader of a child smuggling ring. I could be plain weird. Yet parents of a child I have never met think it's ok to leave their child with me or better yet, have me collect their child at daycare and bring her home to play with C. I could never do that, implicitly trust someone with my child that I have never met.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Dressing up

Anyone who knows me irl knows that I hate clothes shopping. I am not a size zero model with legs up to FSM knows where, that I have no clue about taupe going with neon orange or that the brand new black is actually hot pink.

Rather, I spend my days in tracksuit pants, takkies (sneakers to my American friends), tshirts and various other states of only dress like this if you truly don't give a shit. And normally I don't give a shit.

Until now.

Himself has been invited to a fairly formal work function, one where the tannies who go, dress to kill with enough make up on to keep most parts of Africa covered in base for years to come. And then there's me....minimal make up, hair done at the home "salon", no nails to speak of, someone who only recently discovered the joy that is pubic waxing....a distinct aversion to anything with fashion in it's name. I am the ultimate make over slob for anyone out there who might be considering it. (Email me, we can set up a time :).)

For a few days now I have been panicking. Firstly because my go to wardrobe item (a timeless floor length black skirt) seems to have shrunk on me. Secondly, I've been popping into all the shops hoping against hope that they carry my size (tripple XL) in the newest range just imported from those Chinese sweatshops. I wonder if anyone has ever thought to educate the Chinese in western sizes? I mean really, an adult small wouldn't even fit C and she's 7 years old.

While trawling through the mall this morning I spotted a newish boutique shop. You know the one where all the fat chicks go to oohing and aaahing over the flimsy sexy looking things that look so good on that size below zero model? Where you just know the minute you walk in that they don't have your size and probably never would? That one. I really thought they wouldn't have anything that I could possibly wear. but I was wrong.

I think my black pants and black sorta heely shoes will go really well with this don't you?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Karma's a bitch

In Feb, I posted about a florist that stuffed up on a delivery to Big C.

Today, I happened to drive by the little centre where she has her shop. It's closed. And for sale. :)

I don't normally get all gleeful and happy when someone's life is probably falling apart but in this instance I think I am very justified.

Ain't Karma a bitch? :)

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Becoming a legal person again (according to the government)

When you have your life stolen and have to replace things like ID documents, you come face to face with the bureaucracy that is the department of Home Affairs.

When we were hijacked, my handbag containing my drivers licence, ID book, bank cards, cellphone and various other things was under the drivers seat. Of course that was cleared out of the car long before the cops found it, all having to be replaced at some point.

The bank cards were easy, the drivers licence is going to be a pain in the arse and the ID book maybe just as bad or so I thought.

Well, guess what? It wasn't. I went in on the 29th of July (ja please don't lecture me about the length of time between the hijacking and actually going in to apply for a new ID document, I'm a lazy sod) and received an sms (Seriously! An sms! Who'd have thunk Home Affairs actually used 21st century technology??) last Thursday to come and collect it. This morning I pulled into the parking spot the car guard indicated, stood in the queue for about 30 minutes and walked out an hour later the proud owner of a brand spanking new ID book (the photo is horrific). (No I am not sharing it here.)

Monday, September 13, 2010


C puked huge amounts in the parking lot at Irene Dairy yesterday. Poor kid. When she came home she looked paler than a red head with see through skin, if you can believe that.

I hosed her down in the shower (there's nothing worse than that sour puke smell especially when they've had milk), made her some really sweet rooibos tea and sat with her for a bit. Then Himself, J and I had lunch. She wasn't up to it, her tummy was sore and she didn't look too pink in the face either. We spent the afternoon laying in bed with me alternating between rubbing her belly softly and reading Matilda to her (with me wishing I could get back to my Sookie Stackhouse books), with her moaning in pain and puking. At 6pm she fell asleep finally. By 6 30pm she was awake again moaning and rolling around.

When the kids are sick, Himself usually lets the healthy one sleep in our bed with him while I sleep in the other bed with the sicko. I should know better. I have not had much sleep. C has this ability unique to children when they sleep. They know exactly which part of the adult human body is most vulnerable to a hand or a leg coming out of nowhere and landing with force.

Of course, she was up at 5 and ready to go to school. I feel like I've been out partying all night and swallowed a bottle of E.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Be happy in the moment

There's nothing better than being truly happy in the moment. I've been angrier more often than I have been happier over the last few months and this morning I had a major mood shift.

It helps to be baking muffins while listening to weird and wonderful remixes and original songs at full volume and dancing around like a nutter.

I'm not so sure the neighbours would agree but WTF :)

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Apparently I am a good mother

How to rock as a mother :

1 - pay for drama lesson
2 - tell daughter she is getting a drama lesson
3 - let her stay up for an hour longer due to said drama lesson
4 - feed her a burger (with no sign of salad)
5 - let her sleep in the next morning

I rock. C said, so it shall be.

Monday, September 06, 2010

Bonus Monday

Spider tales

I lived in Cape Town all my life until we moved to Insanity Pretoria a couple of years ago. Up until that point, a daddy long legs was about the biggest spider I ever had to deal with.

It was the end of September when we moved in and by the first week of October that year I was ready to move back home. Not because of the people, or the culture. No. Because of the spiders. Rain spiders to be specific.

Picture this.....

A quiet morning....water running.....a shower......water stops....a terrified scream and mad footsteps dashing down the passage.....a wet naked body running.....and behind it, this freaking huge mutha spider comes running.......

I swear the thing was going to attack. It jumped from the ceiling and tried to catch me. I swear! Really.

In the 6 years since, I've been lucky enough to see them from a distance while Himself nukes them and then nukes them some more.

I've watched as someone else destroys the nests outside my bedroom window. There is no fraking way that I will ever touch those jumbo webby nests of pure malevalent evil. No way!

Then last night.....the house alarm started screaming because Himself likes to play with the remote in his pocket (I have a don't ask don't tell policy on that). My cellphone was charging next to the microwave and as I went to pick it up to answer the security company, I saw a brown creature sitting on the cupboard door looking at me. It's evil little eyes daring me to touch my phone. Himself, just as shit scared (he screams like a girl when they run over his hand), grabbed the broom and tried to brush it down off the cupboard door. So what does the evil creature do? It jumps onto the counter and crawls down into the cupboard where I keep all my plastic junk.

Himself grabbed the Doom canister and started spraying like a demented creature into the cupboard.

This morning I cautiously opened the door with the broom handle.

Friday, September 03, 2010

A conversation overheard...

At the gym this week the ladies have been trying to be inventive. Out with the ABBA remixed rubbish and in with Club Anthems remixed cds. Also rubbish.

Between gasping for breath and trying not to flood the place with sweat...

Old Lady : Oh this is something new.

Middle Aged Lady : The music?

Old Lady : Yes. I must say I don't like it.

Middle Aged Lady : Yes, I agree. It's not good music.

Old Lady : In my day, we could actually sing along to the music.

Middle Aged Lady : In my day we listened to U2. (U2 song playing in background with a hard beat to it). We didn't listen to this rubbish. I don't even know what this song is! (so much for being a U2 fan...)