The Gatsby

I was cruising on my favourite mommy website when a thread about food porn from your particular neck of the woods came up. One of the items I shared was the Gatsby. Now if you've ever lived in or near Cape Town you will instantly know what I am talking about....that rather intimidatingly large roll filled with everything under the sun including slap chips, dripping sauce everywhere. Usually shared between a few office mates for lunch over a bottle of coke.

While searching for pictures to post on the thread to show what a Gatsby is, I came across this lesson in how to eat a Gatsby from funnymail.co.za. It is spot on from what I remember.

1. Keep the time between purchase and consumption of the Gatsby as short as possible. Cold chips are no one’s friend.

2. Cut the Gatsby into a maximum of four pieces. Anything smaller is a gross injustice to the Gatsby because there’s no way you’ll be filled by a fifth or less.

3. Any chip falling from any given piece of the Gatsby is considered fair game. The ruling on this is final.

4. When separating the Gatsby, note the point of division: practice absolute precision here to avoid taking the bottom roll of the next person’s piece. Ask for assistance if necessary.

5. You must finish your share. Besides it being a terrible waste, you’ll be scorned by the Gatsby Fraternity for all time for being vesin.

6. Grip is critical. Cup your piece in your hand so that loose bits have nowhere to fall except back into your hands. Avoid the scenario described in Point 3.

7. NEVER leave the Gatsby unattended.

8. It’s best to accompany the Gatsby with a beverage, ie Jive, Frulati or Cabana. Hearty burping guarantees relief.

9. Observe relative silence when consuming the Gatsby. No one likes to talk and eat at the same time. See Point 1 regarding cold chips.

10. Always wash hands with soap and water at the conclusion to avoid getting a spicy finger in the eye, a condition commonly known as Gatsby Eye. The only cure is self-induced crying. No one wants to see that, so just make the trip and wash your damn hands.

11. The bra (person) that contributes the least towards the gatsby gets the smallest piece.

12. The Gatsby is not supposed to be eaten out of a plate, so make sure you ask the BB.Sc (Bra Behind Shop Counter) to doublewrap the Gatsby to ensure enough paper for everyone.

13. Avoid eye contact with anyone not eating the Gatsby for fear of them asking for a “stukkie” (piece) or shouting “kap ‘n baat” (give me a piece).

14. When sipping on the Frulati, make sure you only have 2 sips then pass… anyone attempting more than 2 sips forfeit the next round.

15. Nothing on the Gatsby is to be wasted (refer point 5), that includes any salads or sauces still remaining in the paper… lick it up!

16. When the Gatsby is finished, it’s obligatory to finish the ritual with a cigarette, beware though of anyone asking for “‘n skyf” (drag); thus make sure you get some sauce on the filter of the cigarette to avoid having to share your “entjie” (butt).

So, if like me you enjoy a ginormous sandwich with everything on it, and it is your first time, follow these simple rules and you will be fine.

/I wonder if that kaffie in Atlantis still exists...selling his Gatsbys.